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Sunday, March 13th, 2005
12:29 pm
im going to north carolina
to the mountains
for my spring break

i love roadtrips
i love mountains

im so excited.

but why won't he help me plan?
i just love looking at atlases,
seeing what we might come across,
what rivers or mountains or state parks
we're going to pass

im not trying to plan this step-by-step.

but he doesn't even seem to want to know
how we're going to get there.

and still, this goddamn headache.

where can i find nice sundresses?
and how long do you think it'll take to drive
from chicago to the smoky mountains?

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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
3:02 pm
i really don't want to resort to
drug use
to get rid
of this headache.

i mean, i cant,
can i?

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
11:54 pm
last wednesday was my birthday.
im eighteen now.

i dont think i really got any presents from my family
i mean, i dont want any presents
but i just thought about it,
and that seems kind of odd to me.

ive always gotten presents.

ray paid for my new tattoo
and he bought me a tree and some
potted plants.
i love him because he knows what i love.
..among other things.

i went the the hospital yesterday,
because my headache was so bad i was afraid
i would have a stroke
or go into shock
or something.
and, the last time i went to the hospital,
i made the mistake of telling the ER dr that i have
a history of narcotic abuse.
we went to a different hospital this time,
but of course my luck would give me the same fucking doctor.

why is it that some mistakes i made at the age of 15/16
continue to fuck with me for the rest of my life?
and is it really humane to watch me writhe in pain and say,
"oh sorry, we can't do anything because of what you did two years ago"
and then send me home in the same exact state i came in?

i mean, if i wanted narcotics,
i would walk down the fucking street
and buy some.

but thank you, i dont.
i would just like to not hurt for a few minutes,

oh well, it doesnt matter i guess.

its lame that im 18 and they dont card me.

current mood: aggravated

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Monday, February 28th, 2005
12:12 am
he took me on a picnic today!

i dont care if it was 30 degrees out-
i like being outside.

i wanted to take some pictures, but
this goddamn camera doesnt work.
it was from nick, though
what would i expect?

my 'friends' tried to pretend like
nothing had happened the other day
colleen was all
hey! what do you want for your birthday ali?!

i said, whats the point? its not like you'd get it for me,

they ditched me for a fucking rapist
and not just that,
the rapist of my sister.

i cannot even fathom how they can justify that
to themselves.

it doesnt matter.
all i want to do for my birthday is spend time with my family.

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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
12:35 pm
all the fucking shit
that ive been through-

and im fucking breakdown

because my head hurts.

i mean sure, three months issss
pretty intense.

but i watched my first love die?
-i was sixteen.
i saw my father try to strangle
my older sister
in fifth grade, i had no friends to run to.

but now, a headache,
and i cant fucking handle it?

goddamn ali.

who are you, anymore?

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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
8:07 pm
what i mean is-
i really like to play
i like to climb trees and have picnics
i like to throw dinner parties for all my friends
i like to drive around with my windows down
blasting lynyrd skynyrd
i like to go to the beach, even in the winter
i like to sit in the forest and paint pictures

i cant do these things,
not now. its too cold, theres snow.
i dont even have any friends, not anymore.
and on the rare day that it is nice out,
he just wants to lay around.

well fuck.
im tired of fucking laying around.

its almost my birthday;
im going to be eighteen.

this means nothing to me.

yeah, sure, i can buy cigarettes anywhere
and get tattoos whenever
buy porn and things like that.
but cigarettes are cheapest at the place
that already sells to me,
and i dont have money for tattoos
(and why would i buy porn?)

i dont know why im dwelling on this so much.

i just always thought that 18
might be something special.
i dont even think im going to do anything for it?

my boyfriend says a lot of things
but they never really happen.
so i dont bother to get my hopes up.

i love him beyond belief-
he just has a problem with
procrastinating until its too late.

at least i have my family,
my mom and sisters.
where the fuck would i be without them?

current mood: my sister is coming to play!!!

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5:32 pm
i just want to do something fun.

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